I was at church when I got the call that my mother had fallen and was taken to the hospital with a possible broken hip. I immediately knew that I had to be with her - to hold her hand and reassure her that everything was ok. My mother had suffered with dementia for over 10 years. Her memory was mostly of her parents and siblings but every now and again she’d surprise us with her moments of “clarity”.

“No need to ask those questions”, I pleaded with the nurse as she began her determined assessment of my mother. “Do you know what year it is?” the nurse asked. As I was intervening to help this young professional understand my mothers’ condition of dementia, it occurred to me that my mothers’ dignity was in question.

At this very moment I realized just how important the role of being a daughter was at this stage in my mothers’ last days. After years of caring for her 10 children it was our time to care for our mother as if she were our own child. Roles were now reversed and guaranteeing our mothers’ dignity became increasingly more important.

“I need to ask these questions – it’s my job”, insisted the nurse. As I persevered to discontinue those questions that were obviously upsetting my mother, she became irritated with both of us. How dare, I, a daughter of 42 years interfere with her expertise? The ‘experienced care-giver’ became insolent with me and asked me if I wanted a new nurse. “Absolutely”, I replied, explaining that the tone she was using with my mother was not acceptable. Within minutes we were greeted with the sweetest nurse who took my mother’s hand in hers, and gently kissed her cheek. Mum instantly warmed up to her – smiling, even through the adversity of all her pain.

When our parents age and become dependent upon us, for both physical and emotional survival, we become parents of our parents. Ensuring that their well-being is properly and lovingly cared for is a full-time job. And it is our job. While not all care giving staff are disrespectful, it only takes one to break their spirit and attack their dignity. This is an unnecessary invasion, preventable with an unconditional love and a gentle kindness.

It’s ok to question and be concerned about the care that your loved one is receiving. In fact, it’s essential. If you don’t, there’s a slim chance that others will assume that vital role. Stand up for what is right. If you have children, remember they learn what they live. Watching loved ones being cared for with a devotion of respect is a teaching experience that no school or university can match.

I am blessed to have such dedicated siblings who took turns sitting with mum for every minute of every day. We cared for mum with a tender and heartfelt love - not all that different from how you would love a newborn baby- caressing her cheek as she slept; combing her hair with our fingers as she looked lovingly into our eyes.

Not long after her stay in hospital, mum passed away – most peacefully, with children near her side. I know that in her heart she felt a proudness in knowing that her children were there to ensure her dignity was kept in tact – and yes – that someone cared.

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